I've been told I'm traumatizing her

Dd will be 3 in a month. Up until three weeks ago she had a pacifier but only to sleep. She could not go to sleep without it. We were down to just one of them and I refused to buy any more as I was planning on having her give it up when she turned three.

One Friday night, a few weeks ago, she was very overtired but I could not find her pacifier anywhere. She didn't cry for it as she was too exhausted and she fell asleep while I was looking for it. I did find it the next morning but as she had gone the whole night without it I took it as the right time to stop.

The first couple of nights after that she woke up crying hysterically asking for it. I cuddled with her and comforted her until she went back to sleep. After that, she's been fine and has asked for it maybe twice/three times. We even bought her a special prize that she wanted however, she still wakes up multiple times during the night and just cries and screams until I managed to reason with her (drink/toilet/whatever). My SIL and husband thinks I took it away too early and that she's too young. They think it's traumatic for her. They came up with the excuse that their brother had a bottle until he was 6!

What do I do? Give it back after three weeks?! Her screaming fits and waking up multiple times a night is really getting to me. She's exhausted during the day and refuses to nap. She has become really, really difficult with regard to sleeping. On top of it, she shares a room with her sister and keeps her up too! And did I mention I have a one year old who wakes on his own a few times a night + wakes from her screaming?

Please advise!

I spend most of my nights awake and we've all become a bit traumatized. Help!

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48159

I don't care what "people" say.

I'm told I feed my family too much cr@p and then been told too much health food. That I learn a lot, or not enough. That I exercise enough, or not enough, or way too much.

Please. You do what works for you.

FTR, a child doesn't need a pacifier or bottle after a year. 3 years old is too old, and don't get me started about a 6 year old !!!

Do not give it back to her.

Do give her a comfort replacement item. Like a cuddly something to sleep with.

Give yourself a pat on the back for being consistant and for being a good Mommy!
_________________
Really Awesome Mom!

Silver Member Joined: Jan 05 2006 Posts: 604

I agree. I work in a preschool where there are several 3+ year olds who still use pacifiers. I think it is too old, too, let alone a 6 year old (!!!???).
That's NOT to say that it is easy to have your child give it up. That it is not. I b'H did not have too much trouble; only 1 of my children even took to it in the first place. But I weened her off when she was about 1.
I started with no pacifiers outside crib and little by little she just didnt need it anymore.
BUt when I see these older kids still using them or sucking their thumbs...that's just not going to be good- not for their teeth, peer pressure ......
good luck!

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48159

You DO need to be consistent. Don't take s omething away from a child, and then after they kvetcbh and kvetch and kvetch for it, give it back to them after half an hour. that just teaches them to kvetch.

Gold Member Joined: Jul 21 2010 Posts: 1728

I dont have personal experience with this, but doesnt three weeks seem a bit much to get over having a paci taken away?

Thanks for making me feel better. They really made me feel like I'm being a horrible mother (and no, they did not say it in a horrible way at all. They just suggested that perhaps I had taken it away a bit prematurely)

She has a doll and blanket that she's goes to sleep with but she is still desperate for that pacifier. She woke up suddenly, just before, and was screaming like crazy that she wanted her pacifier. Crying or Very sad

I feel like an awful, awful mother. I can't go back on it now, I know that, but maybe I shouldn't have done it to begin with.

I agree, Sweet Valley. I think 3 weeks later she should be cured. Maybe it's bec the baby has one so she sees it all the time (although she never tries to take it and hasn't even mentioned it for a couple of weeks)? Maybe she's just different than other children and needed it for longer?

Silver Member Joined: Jan 05 2006 Posts: 604

Gold Member Joined: Jul 21 2010 Posts: 1728

Last edited by Amital on Mon, Dec 20 2010, 9:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

...or she had it for three years, so three weeks is a short period in comparison. I've seen research of it taking a month to start a new habit. She's relied on it this long, so it seems like part of life for her.

Is it possible to get her excited about being a big girl who doesn't use a pacifier now? What can she do now, or what special things come to bigger girls that she has been looking forward to?

You can talk about what she could do when she misses it, or maybe put something special by or on her bed to help (like a new or special doll, or a little pillow she chooses). Kids can often come up with their own ideas on what would help, and it's more likely to stick if it comes from her.

Good luck!

We learned in psychology that children have a need to suck until two years old. If this stage was not addressed properly, than other behaviors as a result of this may come up, such as nailbiting, smoking, etc.
But your child is past two.
Be consistent and give her something special to sleep with like a stuffed animal or cozy blanket, etc.

Executive Member Joined: Aug 30 2010 Posts: 418

I have a 5 year old that was attached to his pacy till 3 when we took it away. I had the same issue as you. my mom was convinced it was just to early, my grandfather had a bottle till 5... same story. we spend many shabbatote by my parents and when they would hear the crys their comments (even if they ment well) made me feel like the worst mom ever. I stuck it out - it was not easy at times and it is a distant memory my son is not tramitized at all he is fine, goes to bed fine and sleeps through the night. (still comes into our bed in the early morning hours but doesn't wake us so I really don't mind).

fyi - together we put all the pacies in a envilope took it to the post office and gave it to the lady to mail away to poor children, )bh the lady played along and put the envilope in the garbage. we gave her a gift to give to him and he loved it, he asked for them once and I reminded him that we gave them all away he was a little sad but never asked for them again. we did have more tantrums though, my dh and I didn't realize how much we used the pacy just to stop him from crying during the day as well.

I think similar to many training issues with kids you the mom has to be ready. my son who is almost 2 now is still on a bottle, I would like him to be off it by 2 (next two months) but I have to be ready so I'm going to wait till its a good time, summer when you are out doors more and they are distracted more. or winter break when other kids are home and I am off from work.... he will be ready when I am ready to make that plunge.

It's good that she has a blanket and a doll for night time.

But you need to give her something new, a direct replacement, instead of, the pacifier. It's important.

Platinum Member Joined: Jun 22 2008 Posts: 6433

I heard of people who take the paci to build a bear and stuff it in. I'm planning on doing that eventually. My uncle fed his to the elephants in Bronx Zoo, one brother burnt his erev Pesach....

Silver Member Joined: Jan 05 2006 Posts: 604

There are thousands of children whose parents ended the paci before they were 3, and managed to grow up to lead normal, fulfilled lives.

Keep this incident in mind next time you are inclined to tell your brother and SIL about some problem you are having with your kids. It may be best to keep the conversation off a topic like this.

Hang in there -- hope you get some sleep soon!

We took away our daughter's pacifier at age 2. She screamed and cried for a week, and I guess we were lucky, cause after that she was fine. I definitely don't think 3 is too young to take it away...to let it go until 6 just baffles me Shocked

Now my son, on the other hand, decided he liked sucking his middle 2 fingers more than a pacifier. This lovely habbit lasted until around age 6 1/2, and you really can't take away fingers. Now, his huge overbite and crooked teeth (and the knowledge that he will need a lot of expensive dental work in the near future) will help me deal with taking away my now 7mo's pacifier when the time comes.

Hang in there, I know it's tough. Maybe take her to the store and let her pick out a replacement for the pacifier.

Gold Member Joined: Jul 21 2010 Posts: 1728

Put it this way. The last size paci is 18 months...

Gold Member Joined: Jul 26 2009 Posts: 1487