HOW DO I DEAL WITH THE SCHOOL??? Vent and advice needed.

I need some advice here. First grade dd's school suddenly decided that a particular type of shoe is no longer acceptable in school. This happens to be the exact kind of shoe which she has been wearing every single day since the first day of school, and is the only pair she owns, aside from shabbos shoes which are not either ok to wear at school. I went out to buy these shoes before school started because I found out they wouldn't allow the ones she had been wearing during the summer. Yesterday she came home with a letter outlining the school dress code with this particular violation highlighted, to be signed by the parent and returned to school the next day, as is standard procedure for uniform or tznius rule breaking. The letter also includes a sentence stating that if the violation occurs again, the student will be sent home from school. Now, I feel - and I am sure others will agree - that it is completely outrageous for the school to suddenly change its policy almost 2 months into the school year. As I said, my dd doesn't have any other shoes to wear to school and it can't possibly be fair to expect me to go out and buy a new pair now. Both for the principle of the thing and the high cost of children's shoes. Now, I am all for following the rules - you picked the school, you abide by the rules, and so I do, all the time - but I don't think that gives the school the right to change the rules at any time once school is in session! Parents should be notified of these things during the summer before they go shopping for school clothes! I still have the list of school rules that was sent out before school started and another one that was handed out on the first day of school. On neither of them does it mention this new shoe regulation, although it does have different requirements for shoes, which I followed. After all, it's not like just telling a child not to wear a particular sweater with her uniform again - shoes are not a dispensable article of clothing. So, instead of signing the letter, I wrote a nice letter stating in a respectful way that while I respect the right of the school to make whatever rules it sees fit and the obligation of parents and students to follow them, some consideration of parents is called for and I object to the school changing the rules on me midyear, and ending off with an apology that it is not possible for me to buy my dd new shoes at this time and she has no other ones. I put the letter in the envelope along with the unsigned letter from the school and sent it back to school with dd. I then spent the rest of the day on tenterhooks waiting for the dreaded phone call from the school. But dd, who has no clue what any of this is all about, did not hand it in. She was asked by the school secretary if the violation letter was signed, and dd realized it wasn't and told the secretary so, so the secretary told her to make sure her mom signs it and that she absolutely MUST bring it back tomorrow. So now I look like the blatant rule breaker who is trying to ignore the school's demands, but on the other hand I have another chance now to rethink what I want to do about this.
I feel as if the school is out to get me, for some reason I don't understand. I mean, really, creating new rules custom-made for me??? The crazy part is, much as I make sure to cooperate with the school in every way, this isn't the first time dd got this stupid letter. The first time it was when her ponytail holder fell out and she didn't realize, and she got a lecture about long loose hair not being permitted in school and a lovely letter for me to sign and return promising that it would never happen again. I signed and sent it back, and added on a little note saying that she was in a ponytail as she is every day, except her pony holder somehow fell out and I'd make sure to use a more secure one next time...and now, this!
What do I do now?

Active Poster Joined: Jan 07 2010 Posts: 60

maybe don't send dd in to do your talking for you. she's only 6 probably, being in the first grade. it's hard to put her in the middle of this. call and ask to speak to the principal. your request is reasonable, even if you suggest that you wait until the next appropriate time to buy her shoes (say before chanukah? pesach?) to comply with the new rule.

Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7373

this belongs in the chareidi section. Everyone else will just think you are crazy for sending your kid to a school that makes a big deal out of shoes and ponytails.

Active Poster Joined: Jan 07 2010 Posts: 60

really? I get it, and I send to modern orthodox - I'm so curious which shoes though!

Platinum Member Joined: Oct 14 2009 Posts: 6022

Agree that you should CALL the principal (or whoever deals with this stuff) first thing in the morning so DD doesn't have to be stuck in middle of this any more than necessary.

And I'm also curious about what kind of shoes, both in summer and now... I went to VERY chareidi schools yet I don't remember any shoe rules back in my day! (which wasn't even that long ago but the world is changing quickly...) Actually there may have been a no sneakers in school rule at some point.

No advice...but my dd had a teacher kick her out of the classroom because some of the wisps of hair were loose in front since they didn't reach her ponytail. (A ponytail was also required, or a girl was thrown out of the class.) Our kids are homeschooled now and no one yells at them about ponytails or anything else for that matter. I feel for you, OP. Schools can really stink!

op here. just wanted to clarify some things:

girlygirl - I haven't let dd do the talking at all. She has no idea about any of this. All she knows is that the school gave her a piece of paper and told her to have her mom sign it and she is supposed to return it to the secretary when asked to do so. She wanted to hand it over and decided to tell the secretary that she noticed it wasn't signed. She hasn't been told to tell anyone anything. I don't want her to know a thing about it. For all she knows it could be a medical form.

marina - this is more of a dress code/uniform thing, nothing to do with charedi. You can't wear anything outside uniform guidelines no matter how tznius it is. I'm not even part of the charedi group.

seeker - the reason I chose to correspond in writing rather than call in person is because a) I feel I will get more of a chance to fully express everything that I want to say that way and b) I know it'll be easier for me to keep a respectful and non-combative tone if I have the chance to reread and edit my words rather than trying to take part in a conversation where I am likely to let my anger get the better of me or become otherwise emotional or overwhelmed. And, quite frankly, I'm absolutely terrified to call up the principal and oppose her like this.
Do you all really think a letter is a bad idea? Any advice for how to talk to the principal if I call her, or even if she reads my letter and then calls me?

Gold Member Joined: Dec 17 2008 Posts: 1464

As I was reading your post, my first thought was- write a letter!
So im glad you did but unfortunately it didnt get there the next day- I dont think it shows youre trying to break the rules. But since it didnt get there the next day I would probably call the principle personally to complain.
I dont see how shoes can be untznius.
Prioritizing shoes VS making a mother spend money on new ones- for reasons that are shtisim?! is mind boggling, screwed priorities and teaching our children the wrong message.

Our school system is messed up.
I think its time they teach our children to accept people who are diff than them and not have them all wear the same shoes.
Im all for following the rules- but the rules in our schools teach our kids wrong priorities.

Otoh- If they are enforcing the rules with all other kids, why should they make exception? I could only imagine that they wont be reasonable.

You can tell them you cant buy new shoes- what reasonable suggestion can they give you? Leave it up to them to figure out

I guess I'm going to be the bump on the log here so please pardon me Smile

If I were in Op's situation and could afford shoes at the time, I would just buy the shoes, return the paper and be finished w/ it do dd could continue on out of the problem. I would then speak to the principle and express my frustration that I went through all this money and time to buy school cloths, etc. for dd and how introducing this new policy months into the school year wasn't well recieved. Maybe the school has some kind of very good reason for all of a sudden changing the rules? Just imho. I wish you success and peace of mind however you work this out.

Gold Member Joined: Dec 17 2008 Posts: 1464

Senior Member Joined: Oct 13 2010 Posts: 203

I had a similar situation where my child was sent home with a letter that he can't where light pants. The rule had always been third grade and up but there was a change in Hanhala and abt 2 weeks into school we got a note that the 'no light pants rule' also included second grade. My initial response was that the new menahel should just wait until next yr and I'm not running out to buy all new pants. Especially, bec. I had spent all summer picking out matching outfits for all my boys and I had no intention of letting my oldest be the odd one out. But he was really miserable, my son. He said the other kids in the class would call him a baby, etc. and so I just gave up. Went out and bought him navy and dark brown and black pants and he was only 7 yrs old! It was so sad.
Today I'm glad I didn't make a stink abt it even though other parents in the class kind of expected me too - I have a reputation for that. I think the menahel would not have treated my son too kindly if he would have continued in light pants - even if it was his mother's fault!

Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7373

If it is not a tznius issue, I would do both. Call and yell and make yourself heard. You are presumably paying the principal's salary with your tuition funds and if parents don't make themselves heard, nothing will change. But do that in private, w/out your kid's knowledge. Also buy a pair of shoes and suck it up.

Posted: Thu, Oct 28 2010, 3:54 am Post subject:

Just to give the school the benefit of the doubt for a minute:

Is there some safety reason why the shoes were banned?

Diamond Member Joined: Dec 21 2009 Posts: 3193

how about team up with other parents?
It looks like, given policies #1 and 2, every parent in you rschool went out and bought the shoe that your child is wearing, and now that it is a trend, the school issued policy #3 which bans this shoe. Maybe they could not think of this policy unless they saw everyone wearing it?
Whatever, if this is the case, you can talk to others, maybe this way you will be more of an influence?

op again
thanks for all the responses.
so you all think I need to speak with the principal. Should I maybe request a meeting to discuss this in person? Call them up or wait till they call me? And what do I say??? I'm freaking out big time!
Oh, and for whoever mentioned it, I can't team up with other parents - I think my dd is the only one or maximum one of 2 or 3 in a school of several hundred, who has this type of shoe...everyone else has another kind which are this year's hottest trend, but I didn't like it so I chose these.
And I can't possibly see what type of safety issue it could be - it isn't like crocs or flip flops.

Gold Member Joined: Jul 11 2008 Posts: 1898

Im so curious about what type of shoe she is wearing that could cause such a fuss and also wondering what the in and fashionable shoes that everyone is wearing. OP any chance you can post a link to the two shoes, just to satisfy my curiosity Smile

I always walk around my kids school and say hello to everyone. I have no problem popping my head into someone office to ask if they have a minute to talk.

op,

call the school. speak calmly to the principal. after explaining the problem, request politely that all uniform policy changes should be made six months before they are put into effect so parents can follow them. you may want to throw in a line or two about bal tashchis as well. I know lots of you would just buy new shoes, and if you're the type to have her wear the original shoes on sundays or switch every few days because it's healthier for the feet, fine. but if you would never have bought two pairs of weekday shoes for your child, it really is an issue of bal tashchis.

btw, kids' shoes don't have to be uber expensive. lands' end overstocks sometimes has really nice shoes. I recently got my kids shoes from them for $12.60 per pair. you don't have to spend a fortune.

whatever you do, op, I wish you luck. oh, and if you talk to the principal, ask her to speak to the staff about how they perceive things. they should have asked your daughter if she lost her ponytail holder somewhere. she would have realized it, I'm sure. they should also keep a stock of cheap ponytail holders in the office if they're so worried about it. if you can, it might be nice to offer to donate some so students who lose their pony holders can remedy the situation without bothersome notes being sent home.

Senior Member Joined: Oct 13 2010 Posts: 203

Shalhevet, I have 7 boys - you cannot even begin to imagine what a lifesaver matching my kids is for me. I can do laundry at night and make sure I washed all the black pants and the shirts that go with them, without calculating what each kid will wear. I can roll out of bed in the morning and tell all my kids that they are wearing such and such today. It keeps my life organized. Except for that one yr when I was told abt the school rule change after I bought the clothing.
Look, I'm sure u understand abt the money, for me that wasn't such a big deal. 3 pairs of new pants would have cost me 30 dollars. I just didn't like that the rule was being changed AFTER I purchased the clothing. I thought it would really impact my life. (BTW, it didn't) You don't need to understand.

Diamond Member Joined: Sep 02 2007 Posts: 2724