Emuna - rant

Posted: Tue, Oct 12 2010, 6:36 pm Post subject: Emuna - rant

Ive been reading R' Shalom Arush's Garden of Emuna and frankly it's changed my life.
It's like intellectually we all know about what's written but it hasnt ever really sunk into our heads and put to the test in real life.

He writes in the book that every pain and sickness is a little hint from hashem that we're doing something wrong and need to do teshuva. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what ive been doing wrong and I cannot think of anything that corresponds with where it hurts!

I used to have chronic strep- since I was literally 2- I got my tonsils out back in june and BH have been feeling much better. Does this mean that I did teshuva for something and didnt realize that that was what was causing the strep? Now that I don't have this pain does that mean that I took away a little punishment and now that I dont have it anymore I cant have that act as a kapparah?

More than a yr and a half ago I hurt my foot- NO CLUE what happened. I woke up and stepped out of bed and it started throbbing. It got swollen. So swollen that none of my shoes fit me and I have seen many dr's about it. No one sees a reason or a way to fix it. Over the past 6 months I have seen a slight improvement but I still cannot fit into my shoes other than crocs or ones I have stretched out.
What could this b a hint for?? what do I need to do teshuva for??

I have chronic nausea, thought to be a result of the chronic strep in my body but alas it's still here. I don't see anything that cures it except to eat just the right amount of carbs. Doctors dont see a reason for this either.

I ask Hashem and I daven it should all go away or at least show me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it and nothings coming to my head.

I have been in a stage in my life for the past year where my life has just been hefker. My husband unlawfully lost his job. I've been too sick to work. we found a new job. we moved. work has been pushed off for MONTHS. we've been living separately except for shabbes, me at my parents, his at his parents. NOT THE IDEAL LIVING SITUATION but he has a part time job there and my father is sick and my parents need all the help they can get. The only thing that has been pushing me forward everyday is the fact that we were going to Israel for Sukkos. Sukkos has now passed. we were supposed to move back into our house where we moved to and start our job and its been pushed off again for who knows how long.

What does Hashem want from me? I'm a human being, I don't see how it's possible to be living the life I have been and just sit back and not worry for even a second. Every day is stressful and I end up crying to my husband on the phone about how this can't go on but what can he do? Nothing, it's all up to Hashem....Yesterday we got a little surprise and for some reason Hashem sent us $3500 free from my insurance company. I have no clue what it was for but my mother called to tell them it must be a mistake and they said it was no mistake and it's mine. I am grateful for it of course but when you have over $40k in debt this is just a drop in the bucket and I feel like I didnt get anything at all bc it's not even going to me, it's going to people we owe.

I know my mind is all screwed up and I seem not to have any emuna so if anyone can tell me how to deal with all this going on I'd appreciate it......

Posted: Wed, Oct 13 2010, 1:20 pm Post subject: re: Emuna - rant

That's an issue I have with this book. "Don't go to doc before you do a full teshuva, even for yena machla", basically. It's NOT my shitta, and it's dangerous, and it's not even legal in my country to write.

Yes, it CAN be a hint from Hashem. But not always. Sometimes it's a test, or Hashem giving you more zechus, or whatever it's just a disease.

I've been sick for 2 weeks, if it's not cramping it's nausea or migraine or head spinning or whatever. I don't go all crazy and assume Hashem is punishing me for the two things I've started since then: working and doing more shidduchim. No, I just caught a nasty bug that people have been passing since Kippur.

I have migraines. It's hereditary. My mom, dad, grandma, great uncle, great grandma... have them. What's the common point between all of us? Basically nothing. It's hereditary, period.

Having emuna is also thinking Hashem is NOT there to torture you. Forget (the bad parts of) this book. That's what my rav told me.
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"You will have many many children and make successful shidduchim beh", rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
"It's all cultural, disagree respectfully", me