Help! I'm a rotten mother!

amother

Sun, Aug 29 2010, 6:09 pm

I'm not sure if this belongs here or in emotional health, but my 4 year old drives me crazy! She is a good kid, just a little whiny & kvetchy. She definitely can be bratty and bossy also. But she's basically good and will listen to me most of the time.

Her little sister is so much cuter, lovable and less prickly! I always find myself letting the little one on my lap, tickling her, etc. and when the older one says her characteristic "hey, me too!" in her whiny voice, I'll say something like "another time" or "why do you always want what everyone else has?" It's so cruel, I know! But she just makes me nervous! She's also pretty big for her age (not fat though) and much more unwieldy to hold, etc, especially since I'm pretty short myself. And lately, not sure if I should say this bec. it's a little disgusting, but I've been noticing her smelling a bit as if she has gas.

She's just not a cheerful, cuddly kid like her sister and the smell makes it worse. I'm nuts that I'm turned off by my own kid. She senses my rejection and becomes more whiny & demanding, or withdraws and goes somewhere else to mope. She's pretty good at moping. Crying

When I'm busy with something especially, whether it's housework or "work" work, I find myself snapping at my kids to leave me alone (not in so many words but something like "OK Mommy can't concentrate, please go play in the other room"). I thought mothers are supposed to be able to multitask! Do I have ADD? I have to "concentrate", & I get annoyed from interruptions even while doing things like making supper, laundry, etc. This makes me annoyed with my kids.

So sorry for the long post. I hope someone will read it. What should I do? Please help!! Crying

amother

Sun, Aug 29 2010, 8:06 pm

Thanks for the replies.

I'm not a work at home mom and my kids are not home all day. In fact, I don't see my kids too often altogether. I work outside the home part time, and bring home work often these days. My husband pitches in a lot with the kids.

My daughter has been in nursery this past year, playgroup the year before and at a babysitter the 2 years before that. This coming year she'll be in kindergarten iy"H.

Maybe I'm spoiled because of my husband taking care of them & I'm not used to dealing with them and that's why I have this problem?

That smiling tip was a good idea, so thanks, sofaraway. I tried it and it was a little (OK very) forced. I'm really not much of a smiler in general. But how do I get rid of that instinctive feeling in the pit of my stomach of "get this kid away from me, why does she whine/scream so much"?

I forgot to mention that she has mastered the art of the tantrum and uses this skill at every opportunity, not that I give in to her, but it drives me up a wall!

life'sgreat

Sun, Aug 29 2010, 8:15 pm

amother wrote:

I'm really not much of a smiler in general. But how do I get rid of that instinctive feeling in the pit of my stomach of "get this kid away from me, why does she whine/scream so much"?

I forgot to mention that she has mastered the art of the tantrum and uses this skill at every opportunity, not that I give in to her, but it drives me up a wall!

It sounds like at this point, it's already a vicious cycle between you and her. She's more whiny/needy/kvetchy because she feels your rejection. Which makes you even more uncomfortable and wanting to push her away.

I hope you can get some good suggestions as to how to change this. Perhaps taking her out on her own for an activity just the two of you, even if it's just ice cream and focusing only on her with the right frame of mind, can be a start. You need to start seeing her for 'her' and not in the shadow of her cuter, younger, cuddlier sister.

As an aside, it's way easier to love a toddler than a child IMO. They're cuter, more pliable, less defiant, have less a mind of their own. They lose some of their baby cute as they grow older. However, comparing the younger to the older will only be a detriment to you, to her and to your relationship.

tzipp

Sun, Aug 29 2010, 8:34 pm

You give her the affection and nurturing she needs no matter how hard it is for you, no matter what you feel inside.

But you need to think long and deep about perhaps a deeper reason your daughter is making you "nervous", ussually and reaction so strong is due to past patterns. But that is your problem to deal with. Practically, make special time for you and the difficult dd and "do" something together, or go somewhere together. And work on having structure and routines to cut down on the whinyness etc. BTW in terms of your reaction when she is acting out or tantruming, first if it's mild, you need to stay calm mainly and enforce a CONSEQUENCE (not a punishment) often some form of time out. If she is having a full blown tantrum, she really needs to be physically restrained- call it a bear hug if you want, but sometimes a kid in that situation is missing the affection, attention, and limit setting so much they tantrum for it.
Here are two resources for you: "The Explosive Child" by Dr. Ross Greene and also look up "Supernanny" on hulu.com.

(I wish I could be just positive with you, but that type of treatment could really damage a child emotionally, so do WHATEVER you have to to change whatis going on, if you can't do all this on your own, you must get some help)

At the end of the day, you are a GOOD mother, because you are aware and trying and are going to change.

life'sgreat

Sun, Aug 29 2010, 8:43 pm

amother wrote:

Life'sgreat, you're 100% right, as usual. I should do something special with her...now I just have to find the time, which is a daunting task.

I don't really try to compare them, though, and I don't neccessarily see it that way. It just seems to me that that's how it appears to dd #1: "Mommy loves sis more than me" just because, as you mentioned, it's much easier to get along with a toddler. I compare my RELATIONSHIP with each of them, and deduce that the relationships are different because the kids are. If older dd were my only kid I'd probably still have a hard time with her.

It seems like you do compare them, not just your relationship. You said she's less whiny, cuter etc... That's their personality traits, not their relationship with you. IMO, children that are compared always carry that pain to some degree.

amother

Mon, Aug 30 2010, 1:50 am

Other people seem to have great advice.

I just want to say I really feel for this little girl. I was sad reading your post, though I DEFINITELY have days where I cant handle the little ones at my ankles as I try to get things done and I totally relate to not liking being interrupted in the kitchen etc.

But when you are at your worst just take a moment and look at your daughter and think of all those women who would just cherish your chubby whiney smelly daughter, or any child, for that matter- and Hashem hasnt blessed them yet. I know it sounds dramatic but really... Or if you yourself had any fertility scares before you were blessed just try to conjure up that massive fear, then look at your daughter, breathe relief, and give her and all her quarks a big hug. Our spouses and parents cut us so much slack... were not always 100% perfect, calm, beautiful, and clean all the time. Sometimes were frazzled, mean, short-tempered, sweaty, etc etc etc.. but we all have dignity so let your little girl grow up confident and secure that her Mommy embraces her even on her bad days. We dont always appreciate what we have but I am sure she is a beautiful precious kid in her own right. Go kiss her.

amother

Mon, Aug 30 2010, 10:37 am

I'm going to be a little tough on you, because when I've had issues that I've aired on this site before, I've found the most helpful posts to be the ones that didn't baby me or make me feel that my mistakes were OK.

So here's the deal, as far as I see it.

Your kid could totally be annoying and smelly. I'm not doubting that...if you say so, it's probably true. But you're the parent. She's four years old, which means that she's whiny because YOU'VE raised her to be like that and she smells because you're not doing your job as a parent cleaning her or teaching her that she should be passing gas in the privacy of the bathroom. This is your job, and if your daughter is failing at keeping herself clean and smelling fresh, it's because she hasn't been taught and parented appropriately. She should be bathed every night, taught to wipe herself after bowel movements properly, and she should always have fresh clothing.

You are the adult here and her emotional well-being depends on you showing her the affection and equal treatment to her siblings, that she deserves.

Think of your relationship with her as a marriage....Sometimes the shalom bayit classes teach that, when you're so angry with your spouse, sometimes you have to force yourself to be so wonderfully pleasant and kind and loving...and then you'll finally get the reaction and treatment from your spouse that you want.
So now let's translate that into your relationship with your daughter. As the parent, it is up to you to make the changes necessary to improve this situation. You cannot go around disliking or being grossed out by your own child. That shows severe emotional immaturity. You are going to have to lavish attention and affection on this kid until you heal whatever self-esteem issues you may have caused her by obviously preferring your younger child. When you pay lots of attention to her and go out of your way to be affectionate with her, I do believe you'll see a change and you too will feel more loving toward her. The more we give, the more we feel love toward the person receiving our gifts.

And, of course, you must be cognizant of the fact that 4 year old girls can be very annoying, and that it's a stage that passes, everyone goes through it at some point in their childhood, and that you're the mother and you have to suck it up and deal with it.

If you do not put in the effort to improve this situation, I promise you it's only going to get worse, because you're going to end up with an older child with serious emotional issues. Please take the steps now, while she's still young and while you can still make positive changes.

Best of luck. Sorry if I was harsh, but we're talking about a parent coming onto imamother, basically saying that she can't stand her kid. In my opinion, that's a very serious situation.

sneakermom

Mon, Aug 30 2010, 9:46 pm

Every child brings up something else inside of us. Some kids automatically make us feel yummy and others remind us of stuff subconsciously so we push them away.

Sometimes when a child is very much like yourself there's an instant connection, and other times it causes friction, because there's nothing worse than seeing what you hate about yourself in your kid. On the other hand a kid that is totally different than the parent can be alien to the parent and annoying.

I personally would like to congratulate you for your keen honesty and bravery in posting about this. Mostly because the majority of people that have this issue are not aware of it and they continue to reject their child forever. Then the child grows and develops as an unhappy, rejected not feeling lovable person and what happens is sooner than later everyone begins to see the child the way the mother does, because the child falls into that role. The child develops the personality of outcast and believes deep down that they are flawed.

Of course you don't want that to happen.
1. I think the suggestion of taking your daughter out alone for some fun is great advice. Do something you really like to do and then you will both have fun.

2. Change your language with your child, don't use negative words like, "Stop kvetching", instead say, "When you calm down I will listen to you".

3. Also this child needs a lot of validation, when she is loudly kvetching that the ketchup spritzed on her, she is really saying....I feel so bad, I feel so rejected, I feel sad. You need to reflect her feelings about the ketchup as if it is the most important thing in the world. " Yes, chany you must be really really upset that the ketchup spritzed on you...it's not a good feeling!" This will calm her down.

4. Buy her yummy bathsoap, bathe her, comb her hair, buy her pretty bows, and nice shoes and enjoy holding her and caring for her. She will eat it up! And don't expect it to feel natural, let it be the way it is, but do it and be pleasant about it.

5. How to listen so kids will speak and speak so kids will listen, the book, has terrific tips on how to reflect back to your child what she is feeling. Your child needs help because she is very sad, she has a lot of sad feelings that get expressed in tantrums and moping. She needs an adult to tune into that, to say, I'm sorry you feel sad, I see you feel lonely, You wish I would hold you etc.....Half the wound is not being validated for it. So validate her as much as you can.

6. Foster a good relationship with her and her dad. Say nice things about her to hubby, thank hubby for spending time with her, and compliment her that daddy loves doing things with her. That is a great asset for her, and it relieves you of some of the burden.

7. It might come to the point where she might need some therapy, to help her feel accepted and loved. Or for both of you to learn to come to a point of connection. The younger you do this the easier it is to work with.

Hatzlachah! And kudos to you for being honest and aware. Remember you do really care for your child, and that is what is propelling you to seek out help and make changes.

amother

Tue, Aug 31 2010, 10:47 pm

OP here. I really appreciate everyone's replies.

Sneakermom, thank you so much for your great post. You made a lot of good points that I will have to mull over, and left my (fragile) ego intact.

Quote:

I personally would like to congratulate you for your keen honesty and bravery in posting about this. Mostly because the majority of people that have this issue are not aware of it and they continue to reject their child forever. Then the child grows and develops as an unhappy, rejected not feeling lovable person and what happens is sooner than later everyone begins to see the child the way the mother does, because the child falls into that role. The child develops the personality of outcast and believes deep down that they are flawed.

Bingo. That's me, and that's how I was treated by my mother. I promised myself I'd never do the same to my kids, but I didn't realize how hard life can be, especially if I was not brought up with a good example of love & unconditional acceptance. It's really the everyday stresses that trap me into this behavior. When I make up my mind to be a good mother & I'm not dealing with anything else, I can be amazing with her. But I guess we're here to deal with life on its own terms, huh?

For all those who suggested hygiene improvements, I do bathe her, buy her pretty hair things, teach her to wipe (or one of us wipes her), etc. I didn't know you could teach a kid that young to pass gas only in the bathroom. Sounds a bit unrealistic to me. Anyway, the smell thing was just a little thing that added to the whole mess. The truth is that since I've been working so many extra hours lately, my husband has been doing a lot of the getting her dressed, etc. (with my input on what matches, of course!) Probably my missing out on that kind of contact doesn't improve things much.

Oy, what's gonna be with me... Sad

life'sgreat

Wed, Sep 01 2010, 1:17 am

Amother, I think sneakermom gave you a great list. I just want to warn you that often, it can get worse before it gets better. If you start taking her out more, giving her more time and attention and love, she might become super clingy at first and want even more. I think it's a normal reaction to suddenly getting what she so wanted and feeling like she can never get enough of it. But know that it will get better IY"H with your love and patience.

Don't beat yourself up. I think it happens often that a mother and child get into this vicious cycle, with one feeding off the other.

amother

Sat, Sep 04 2010, 10:39 pm

I think it is really great that you are discussing this here! good for you! you really are a great mother because you want the best for your child and you are working on yourself and asking for help which is terrific. Everybody here really have suggestions and I hope that you do your best to follow them, I just wanted to add that I feel very strongly that you seek proffesional help. A good counselor or therapist would really be able to work these issues through with you especially since it seems that it is steming from the way that you were raised and it is very common cycle going on. The therapist will give you the right tools to be able to cope with your day to day stress and thiat way you will not feel like you are alone in this and you will feel more empowered and confident as a mother. Good Luck! Smile

amother

Sun, Sep 05 2010, 3:25 pm

I have a similar issue with my dd and I made a resolution to not react to how I feel and be nice regardless of how annoyed I feel at the moment, sometime I really have to focus not to lose my temper or show my annoyance. Sometimes when I feel annoyed like I just want to potch my dd I actually turn it around and Ill do something silly like pick her up and swing her around and that automatically changes your mood.

Another tip you can try is to say to your dd how much you love her and that sometimes mommy doesn't feel so good and it makes her seem angry but really its not your fault. Its the best we can do sometimes, we are only human and all have our struggles. All the best to you Hug