13 year old daughter all of a sudden so different!

My daughter is such a good girl - good midos, smart, sweet. All of a sudden I can't talk to her! We used to be so close - she would actually want to be with me, want to talk to me. We would watch her Disney shows together. Now, whatever I say is wrong! She must disagree with me at every chance she gets, even in front of others. She absolutely must roll her eyes at me. I don't know how to talk to her anymore.

She still says "I love you" to me, she still even wants me to tuck her in at night. She still likes to run errands with me. But I don't know how to talk to her anymore, or how to get her to talk to me.

Some background: She is the youngest in the family, the son closest to her recently got engaged. She is not happy about losing him, they are very close. Also, I am a single parent, though the divorce happened 4 years ago, so that is not a new issue for her.

Is this normal teenage stuff? Is it divorced kid stuff? Whatever it is, what to do?! I miss my little girl.

Yep.
Normal normal normal.

Such a fun ride the teenage years for all concerned.

When my oldest was that way I use to opine; "No wonder they use to marry them off at 12!"
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Platinum Member Joined: Apr 06 2008 Posts: 5149

sounds like a classic teenager. Laughing

I'd suggest, don't push her to talk to you. Make it obvious that you are available to talk to if she wants to but let it come from her.

from a chinuch point of view I would set down some rules. make it clear that while she is aloud to have a different opinion to you she must do so respectfully and not put you down in front of others. Also the eye rolling should be a big no no. That's plain rude to do to anyone let alone a mother. (I'm saying this while acknowledging it's typical teen-age stuff)

Typical 13 year old. My youngest of 7 is the same way. She is also 13 with a big age gap.

Some things to look forward to are being seen as an ATM machine, being reminded that times have changed since the older kids were teens, walking on eggshells because, you can't compliment her too much, because then you are patronizing her, criticize her and you never see any good she does.

Don't worry, you will survive this era, and so will she.

At some point they decide on their own to speak like a grown up mentch to their parents. I've seen this age to be around 18-19. Sorry. Crying or Very sad

It's a stage that makes a mother feel like dirt. Sigh.
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My DD (almost 12) is heading in this direction. It's a Declaration of Independance.

These days I just try to active listen to whatever she says. Hope it will rub off on her a bit so one day she can be ready to hear me a bit, too.
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Chayalle

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 3585

My DD is 13. I never know when she will be her 8 year old self or her 16 year old self.

Remember, there are a lot of raging hormones and changes physically not to mention changes in the peer group etc.

Sounds normal to me.

(Deep dark secret confession: When I was a teen, I rolled my eyes at my mother too and when she reprimanded me I replied "I didn't say anything.")

Executive Member Joined: Mar 14 2010 Posts: 487

The more time you spend with her and the more you do with her, the more opportunity she will have to talk to you.

Also, I take a parenting class and my teacher says rolling eyes is not chutzpa. Better to let her get it out in a way that doesn't actually harm anyone. If you take that away from her, she's just going to look for another outlet.

Executive Member Joined: Mar 14 2010 Posts: 487

I didn't mean to force herself on her.
OP said her DD likes to do things with her.

Yeah. you have to forgive all the obnoxiousness and catch opportunities to communicate in a friendly way and be silly together on their terms, when they're in the mood.

Besides her brother getting married, tak to her and ask her if anything has happened in her personal life she'd like to talk about. Her attitude can be totally unrelated to whats going on at home. Good luck. And pray lots!!!

Mine is 11 and just starting this. Sometimes she's super sweet and sometimes, well, not so much. I keep reminding myself that she is a very good girl, and unless it's direct chutzpah or "mouthing off," I talk to her about it later when she's in a good mood. We have a rule though that if she "mouths off," she goes to her room b/c "we don't talk that way in this house." It sets boundaries, but we try not to make it personal. I wish she had a warning sign for when I was going to get the "You don't understand me, you just don't get it" reaction b/c I really feel like it comes out of nowhere.

A friend of mine with a lot of older girls told me that at this transitional age they're a lot like 2 year olds and sometimes they really can't control their emotions, and just like we pick the tantruming 2 year old up off the grocery store floor, and tell them that we're sorry they feel that way but they're not getting x, y and z, and don't take the tantrum personally, it's the same with tweens.

DD is my oldest, so we'll see how it goes from here. B'h I have friends who have raised amazing daughters whom I've seen as teenagers, so I ask them for advice. (The above was their wisdom). Also, the all important - criticize actions not persons. Make sure they always know you love them no matter what, but maintain certain lines in the sand.

Senior Member Joined: Jul 13 2009 Posts: 178

OP here - thank you all for your responses - 13 year olds are certainly complicated.

What's tricky to me is that my oldest daughter is in her 20's, and she was never like this! She was never back-talked, never rolled her eyes (though she did slam the door to her room and spend an awful lot of time in there alone). She said she thinks it's more normal that this youngest daughter acts as she does. Oldest daughter said she was afraid to act out, and that this daughter feels comfortable enough to do so. Oldest daughter grew up in our home pre-divorce, when there was a lot of tension in the home and she was afraid to do anything to upset the balance.

Anyway, I guess you never know what's going on in a kid's mind. People always commented on how "perfect" oldest daughter was, and yet the whole time she was scared to act up. Current 13 year old daughter is driving me nuts, yet seemingly she is the normal one! You never know.

Posted: Fri, Jul 09 2010, 8:44 am Post subject:

My husband likes to say that teenagers have two people trapped in one body... one is 6 and the other is 36 and you never know who you're gonna get.
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