Angry 5 year old

Posted: Sun, Nov 15 2009, 10:35 am Post subject: Angry 5 year old

I need help on how to handle a 5 year old with an angry temperament. He resolves to hitting and yelling when he wants something or tries to get his point across. My 3.5 year old has a totally different character BH, and is happy and when he see's his brother acting up, he gives in to what he wants. You would never believe they were raised in the same home.

I want to put a stop to this before it grows with him. When I try disciplining and explaining things to him in a quiet persuasive manner, it works sometimes. But most times he will go back to his behavior unless I scold him and put my foot down in a more aggressive manner. I feel terrible after and dont want to have to do this often. Im looking for another effective way of changing his behavior. Any one with ideas or similar experiences? What worked, what didn't and what was the outcome?

Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7374

Try making a calm-down list.
One day when he is not angry, have him make a list of 3-5 activities which calm him down. You can write them down and he can draw a little picture to go with it, something like that. Then hang the list up on his door, provide him with the necessary materials and encourage him to go look at his list when he is getting angry.

Example of a list would be: eating pretzels, listening to music, drawing a picture, look at a picture book, go outside for five min.

You would have to give him a bag of pretzels, a cd, art stuff, etc. and make sure he knows this is to calm himself down. It takes some practice but it's worth a try.

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

what is he getting angry at?

this is what I find works:

for every negative behavior he does figure out WHY he did it and teach him better behaviors for that. for example, if he wants someone toy and hits them, you remove him from the situation and when he is ready you ask why he did that. then you learn NEW ways of getting something when he wants it intstead of hitting. you can make a chart for every time he feels like doing his old habits but chooses the better options. you can go over with him better alternitives for all his feelings when he is in a good mood, even with pictures... what to do when angry, when we feel like hitting, when we are upset at something mommy did, when we dont like what someone else is doing.....

here is an example with me. when I had my son mu dd was jealous. she used to try and hit him alot. I would go over her feelings with her and let her know that if she is feeling like hse wants mommy she doesnt need to HIT to let me know! she can say mommy can I be with you now? or can you put the baby down now? or she can tell me how she feels "its hard for me to have a new baby etc..." it took lots of time and patience and me watching them every second to prevent hitting but it WORKED. bh the LOVE each other and hitting is a thing of the past. everyone told me I should "punish" I try and think what would be the result. thats the point the result. so if a child hits the younger one because of thier jealous feelings and they are punished will they think "wow, I feel terrible, I wont hit again" otr will they feel, " now I hate my brother efven more!! next time I will be more agressive..." I find it really doesnt help for what we want whcih is for them to STOp the behavior by learning how to replace them with more psoitive ones and dealw ith thier wmotions better.
it is a learning process for kids. they arent born knowing what to do. but I would just see if he is angry for regular reasons and has a hard time controlling himself from hitting etc because he hasnt yet mastered other ways or if there is something bigger going on... like is he jealopus opf a sibling? does he have a good positive teacher and class in school? behind every behavior there is a REASOn. as parents we have to figure out that reason and work with it to bring out the best in our kids.

goodluck!

Posted: Sun, Nov 15 2009, 1:14 pm Post subject: re: Angry 5 year old

not the op here

marina and happymom what amazing advice! kol hakavod and toda raba for sharing Hug

Posted: Sun, Nov 15 2009, 1:15 pm Post subject: re: Angry 5 year old

He gets upset if someone has a toy he wants to play with, if he doesnt want to watch a certain video, if his brother is singing, if he wants to sit in a chair someone else is sitting in... he is kind of a mini control freak. Of course I don't give in to him, but I will try some of the suggestions posted, they sound like things that will work since they sort of let him feel in control.

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

try reading how to talk so kids will listen ad listen so kids will talk.

kids wants to be validated (just like us!)

so for example when I tell my daugther she cant have a liloipo and she says but I want one! instead of other ways... I get down to her level and tell her I know! and its so hard when we cant have what we want right?? and sometimes if its really hard for her, ill tell her stories of when I was little and I really wanted certain things and I couldnt have them. in the case of candy its because hashem gives us mommys to help us stay healthy etc but it could be anything... sometimes we cant have what we want. if our kids feel we love them and understand them, it is way easier for them!!