IN NEED OF MARITAL ADVICE...

Posted: Tue, Feb 03 2009, 7:11 pm Post subject: IN NEED OF MARITAL ADVICE...

Im a married giurus with 3 small children. When I met my husband, he seemed pretty religious and lived the religious lifestyle I wanted for myself and for the future father of my children. Shortly after we were married he took his mask off and has fallen so low, maybe wears tzitit once a year, and is just basically shomer shabbos. Needless to say his midos aren't any better than his avodas Hashem. Oh and he's an alcoholic. When I asked him if he davened at all today he yells at me to get off his back. We have absolutely no communication although I try. Personally I dont feel I am any more to him than a cleaning lady and someone to give him children. This is definitely not the example I wanted for my children. I lost respect for him and dont really love him anymore although I try for the sake of my children. Divorce comes into my mind on a daily basis. I am scared though. Realistically, I might cause more damage to myself than good. I would definitely want to remarry and find a good example for my children, but the options for a divorced giuris with 3 children to remarry with a normal man are slim. When I was single and dating, I was set up with either very strange, socially challenged, or not as religious as I wanted. So I kind of feel depressed. Am I doomed to this misery forever?

Silver Member Joined: Jun 29 2008 Posts: 627

I definately feel for you. I would recommend speaking to a therapist who can help you figure out if there is a way to make things easier/better for you. Good luck, and hang in there.

Posted: Wed, Feb 04 2009, 3:48 am Post subject: re: IN NEED OF MARITAL ADVICE...

First thing, I would differentiate between your DH's halachic observence and his midot, general behavior, and alcoholism. His torah observence is his own responsibilty not yours. Yes, I understand you want a good example for your children but you can't daven instead of him, or wear tsitits instead of him or even beleive instead of him, that is between him and Hashem.
I know this is hard, espcially since you are relatively new to Judasim, but you should assume the role of spiritual leader of the family. Try to find a mentor, preferably, a family, that will guide you. Have them invite you over for shabbat meals (to have an atmesphere of torah and singing etc.), go to shiurim/classes on various topics. You show a good role model to your children.
The real problem is the lack of communication between you and the alcoholism. Your communication problem might stem from you being on his case preshuring him into davening, being more observant and so on - sort of like a mother. Also I think he probably understands that he is disappointing you and not living up to your expectations from him. I assume this is a causes of a lot of frustration for you both.
Either sit down yourself one evening when the kids are asleep (or better, get a sitter and go out to talk) or go to a therapist. Tell him what you feel, and also tell him that you have decided to let something go (things that are between him and Hashem), say that as much as it pains you that he is not davening, or whatever, you realize this is his repsonsibility and you will no longer bother him about that. But in return you want a change. Tell him exactly what you feel is missing from your marriage, tell him that you want to work on the marriage in order to change it for the better, because you want a good life for the both of you and the children you have together. Obviously, the first thing that has to go is the drinking.
You might be surprised, he might be harboring hard feelings towards you, he might ask you to work on yourself as well.
I think it would be best if you continued this process with a therapist.
Of course BC would also be a good idea (but don't do anything behind his back).
I think you should try to do everything in order to save your marriage and make your home as happy a place you can.
Tell your DH that's this is a joint project making things as pleasent as can be between you.
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גשם, גשם בוא!

Executive Member Joined: Mar 29 2006 Posts: 474

Sorry but it really made me think that you mention his religious stage before his alcoholism.

For the beginning I would leave the religious part on the side and say it's the bottle or me. If he sees his drinking as a problem and is willing to work on it, then go together to AA, therapy... and everything that needs to be done for him to learn to live withou the bottle, for you to be supportive of his process and for you to protect and take care of yourself.

If he doesn't see it as a problem then I would go by myself to get strong enough to leave him.

Kids don't profit from bad marriages!!!

For myself I can say that I rather be alone then in a bad marriage (after I had tried to make it work)

I truely believe that if your husband gets a hold of his drinking problem, then the religious part will fall into place again.

Behazlacha

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 10 2006 Posts: 6563

From experience, the alcoholism will block much efforts towards repairing other problems this dh and OP have. If he is sick and not himself, to say the least, then it will be near impossible to have a relationship.

I think OP should speak to a therapist and see if it's just wise that they ea. focus on themselves (and IYH he goes to AA, etc.) before they do couples therapy.
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Posted: Wed, Feb 04 2009, 8:05 am Post subject: re: IN NEED OF MARITAL ADVICE...

From the other side...

AA is NOT for everyone! In my own marriage I found that AA exacerbated the other problems for various reasons. DH was working 2 evenings a week, and then started going to AA the other 4 (not Shabbat). I was working full time, and we had a newborn (our first). I never saw him. AA caused more damage to our marriage than the drinking did.

If you want to know what solution we came up with, I give Admin permission to give you my screenname so you can PM me. I will not post it here because it will out me to others.

Diamond Member Joined: Feb 28 2008 Posts: 2964

I firmly believe you should try BC until things settle. Having more kids in a shaky marriage won't do more good.

Also try not to put too much pressure on him in regards to religious observance since it may back fire - no one likes to feel pressured by others.

Although, on the alcholism you should try to work with him - be supportive and get him and yourself to a therapist

Good Luck! Hope all works out for the best!

Posted: Wed, Feb 04 2009, 12:45 pm Post subject:

From all my second marriage friends, they all say OY I wish I could’ve made marriage # 1 work. Marriage # 2 will forever remain marriage number 2. I have relatives who their father totally went off… he would deliberately light his cigarette from the Shabbos candles. The mother worked two jobs to keep them in chareidi yeshovos and today, although they lead a mostly secular life, believe it or not, their kids go to a chabad Sunday school! That’s more than we bargained for! So do not despair, children look at the mother and you can pull this off. I have a strong feeling that he has some inner struggles to sort out personally, which is pushing him to numb his feelings with the bottle. It can pass, and even if it doesn’t, he’s still a decent man and you only have another 10 or 15m ore years until your kids get married. Hang in there. I say stay!
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�Floss only the teeth you want to keep.�

Diamond Member Joined: Sep 16 2007 Posts: 4185

Posted: Wed, Feb 04 2009, 1:18 pm Post subject:

All I’m saying is, irreligious people are not bad. I say give this man another chance. He may still return to be the love of her life. She has young children, she can swing it another year. She can also give him a deadline!

Diamond Member Joined: Sep 16 2007 Posts: 4185

Posted: Wed, Feb 04 2009, 1:22 pm Post subject:

actually - bc therapy and counseling - in that order LOL

I really feel for you..
I also married my (BT) husband feeling and thinking that he was more religeous than what he ended up being. It is disappointing and painful at times, but I can't do anything else than pray for him.I accepted that with time..

I think you have received pretty good advice here although I want to bring up that BC should not be taken lightly. We are speaking of a life, a jewish neshama, a potential child of yours!
Secondly, for the ones bringing up divorce, have you thought that maybe amother is writing her post while depressed, but maybe has better days too?

Amother, please tell us, are there any good times with your husband?
Are you able to discuss his drinking habits?
Is he a true alcoholic, or you just called him like that out of frustration?
Did you love him when you married him or just loved the fact that he was religeous? Try to think hard what did you like in HIM, not in his behavior?
Is therapy a possibility?
If so, I would strongly suggest IMAGO therapy.It saved my marriage and I believe it can save yours too.
Please google it and good luck!!
(Butterfly: Rebetzin Youngreis is a great idea!! She is truly remarkable! I absolutely LOVE her approach - she changed my life).