I refuse to name after dh's side

I like bubby's idea, its also a way to get away from the personal aspect.
(its not all about us! Rolling Eyes

)

I haven't read all the responses so if this has been said already then I apologize.

you say the family have been rude to you. There is something I don't quite get...
I'm assuming you mean the LIVE family have been rude to you, so why would you take out your hurt on the not-live people.

unless you are sefardi and name after the living, then my question doesn't apply

I have learned a big lesson here ...

my dil is pregnant with our first grandchild (BH) and we are really excited. BUT I will not pressure them to name after anyone.

If THEY chose to call this baby after my father (if it is a boy) then I will be thrilled. If not, then that is THEIR choice.

I felt really pressured by my exdh and exinlaws as to how to name my kids, and it was not nice.

I am trying to learn from the past. I really want to be a nice mil. And that I can be part of my grandchildrens' lives.
_________________
Hila
Certified doula/birth assistant
In Israel, Ima to 4 kids and 1 dil and two sils
and the four sweetest grandsons in the world

Executive Member Joined: Jun 22 2005 Posts: 340

If your husband is not particularly set on naming for his passed-on family, I would just mutually choose another name and not lose sleep over it.
I remember when my twins had their bris and we called my grandmother (and everyone else) to tell her the names, one of which was for the Rebbe (Menachem Mendel), and one was after my husband's grandfather who passed away when he was 17-18 and was close with, my grandmother said, "hmph, well it would be nice if someone was named for this side of the family." And although that was really obnoxious, I let it go cuz we were really happy with the names we chose.
Also I totally don't subscribe to this whole "turns" thing with regard to naming - we have both mutually agreed to every single one, no pressures or bad feelings.
First kid - Rebbe name, that we didn't even have to discuss.
Second kid (twin of first) - husband's grandfather. We had to change the middle name as his other grandfather has the same middle name, so we changed it to similar sounding name that was my father's grandfather. I also have one deceased grandfather, but he passed away when I was really little, and the circumstances of his death were such that even my mother changed the name when naming my youngest brother after her own father. I am not in a hurry to use the name.
Third kid - My husband's greatgrandfather, one of the two names is also the name of both of my mother's grandfathers.
Fourth - My husband's great-great-grandfather, but the funniest thing is that it's far enough back that he would never have thought of using the name, I was the one that picked the name for the meaning, without knowing that it was in his family! And my husband was very happy to oblige.
And we are expecting iyh in december, and will do the same thing - agree on a name that both of us want and are both happy to name.
I don't quite understand how people can have turns and then one resents the name that the other chooses, isn't it the child of both, and isn't a ruach hakodesh given as to what the name is - how can there be feelings of resentment etc. when a ruach hakodesh is given? And who's to say that the Ruach Hakodesh will come to the parent whose "turn" it is? I just wonder...
But I don't mean to sidetrack - OP, name something you can BOTH be happy with.

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 23 2007 Posts: 3308

Sorry, but I don't think you are goingto be doing good for anyone by naming your kid after someone you don't want to name him after.

Your in-laws expect it? So what. Its your kid.

With my #2, I was expected to name after someone that I didn't really wat to name after at this point. Not for any specific reason, I just had a name I liked more. We called up a rav, and he said we have no obligation to satisfy people with our kids names. So that was that. My mother in law almost fainted by the bris and it took her a few days to get over the shock, but shes eventually got over it and thats that. I don't want to live my life calling my kid a name I felt pressured into giving.

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 23 2008 Posts: 9074

Greentiger, am I your MIL??? Laughing

I also expected/hoped one of my grandkids to be named a certain name, & I too nearly passed out! Shocked

But I soon got over it too & now I don't have any expectations & whatever the name is is absolutely fine. After all, it's not my business. But it can be a shock if you're hoping for a child to be named for your parent & that's why I personally don't think it's so terrible if the couple hints strongly (or even says outright!) what the name will be. Just so we can get used to the idea.

Changing the subject slightly...I was at a Bris a couple of years ago & the name was given. The mommy's parents let out a loud gasp & MIL ran off, with the new daddy after her. It turned out the couple had given the GRANDFATHER'S middle name as the baby's name. Shocked

How could the new mother not have known her own father's middle name??? The baby's dad ran to a Rav (it was Shabbos) but too late. That's the baby's name. WOW!

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 23 2007 Posts: 3308

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 29 2007 Posts: 12057

I guess it's okay, as long as your husband doesn't mind not naming after his side. My DH & my family don't always see eye to eye, but if my DH had decided to "punish" them by not naming after my side of the family, hurt is the least of what I would feel.