Guests who repeatedly come and dont bring anything

Posted: Wed, Feb 25 2009, 7:33 pm Post subject:

I would never ask about it in front of other people and I would ask in a non confrontational way as well. Its possible to ask lightly what happened without other people being present or embarrassing him.
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Posted: Wed, Feb 25 2009, 8:35 pm Post subject:

Even when I go to my Parents I bring flowers or something. I have a friend that I go to and always take along a huge batch of peanut chews, it disappears in minutes. It’s common courtesy, manners. If they are lacking, you can hint to them if you can be bothered. You can say next week I’m going to the Klein’s on Tuesday night to sleep over after a wedding. What can I take for them? Do you think flowers is appropriate, or should I just buy them like a fancy soap thing or something…
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Posted: Wed, Feb 25 2009, 9:17 pm Post subject:

Beginner Joined: Jun 30 2009 Posts: 6

when I was in seminary in Israel and then after I made aliyah before I got married I used to bring something when I went to someone for the first time, but regular people who I went to every other week I just didnt have enough money to buy for. I used to help them out a lot more though because I felt more at home there and the kids knew me, so I felt like that was worth more than a gift. And I think that I used to buy something before chagim, like if I went somewhere for seder night or rosh hashana. as a hostess I like it when the people ask if theres anything they can bring, it shows that they want to bring something and they appreciate the effort you're going to but you also dont get stuck with bought cakes you dont want, or stuff with a hechsher you dont eat etc etc.

Gold Member Joined: Nov 02 2008 Posts: 1044

I don't expect anyone to bring me a present but what ever happened to good manners and proper etiquette. The way I look at it if you are going away for Shabbos or just a meal then you are saving the money by not purchasing the food and what ever you need to make Shabbos at home. I usually spend around 100NIS on a present when we go and stay at someones home. I find today that younger couples are not educated in proper etiquette and come empty handed but for sure invite an older couple and they will bring wine and flowers. I have taught my older son that when he goes to someone's home to bring a present and my younger son will also be taught the same thing.

Posted: Tue, Jul 14 2009, 6:34 am Post subject:

I have a different problem...I don't bring wine because we don't drink, and because I don't want the host to feel either obligated to serve it or insulted if we won't drink it. I don't bring flowers because often we get to our hosts after Shabbat has come in (in the case of meals), and then they're stuck until after Shabbat, by which time the flowers are not so pretty. I don't bring chocolates due to nut/peanut allergies. I *might* bring some homemade goodies which are "safe", but I'm hesitant to do that when I go to someone who doesn't know what hechshers I hold.
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Moderator Joined: Nov 20 2005 Posts: 4868

Not on the gift part, I've said my share on that, regarding helping: I recently had a house full of guest that sat on their behinds from when they walked in. Their children were all over the place while the parents had a good time talking on the couch. By the time the morning came around, I just about had it. After the lunch seuda, I nicely asked all of them to give me ten minutes of their time to clear up a little. We were 6 adults and in half an hour the place was spin and span. It worked beautifully (they weren't gonna say no!) and I didn't slave away while they took their nap.
I learned you gotta ask. Not everyone knows guest etiquette and sometimes they must be put into place or gently asked.

Gold Member Joined: Nov 02 2008 Posts: 1044

A nice china cake plate is always nice. Or you could bring the flowers before Shabbos or grape juice.

Gold Member Joined: Apr 23 2007 Posts: 2419

Posted: Tue, Jul 14 2009, 7:28 am Post subject:

Posted: Tue, Jul 14 2009, 7:31 am Post subject:

Gold Member Joined: Nov 02 2008 Posts: 1044

Shmitta is over it should not be a problem any more. This past Shabbos went awy and brought a beautiful sectional tray with assorted nuts and candy.

Posted: Tue, Jul 14 2009, 7:59 am Post subject:

Platinum Member Joined: Mar 07 2007 Posts: 10429

Marion, why can't you bring wine and tell your host that it's for THEM to enjoy when they like and they need not serve it at the present meal? I checked with an etiquette expert--ok, I didn't check, it was in a recent etiquette column in a women's mag--and the gift you bring is for the host, not a contribution to the meal you're eating (unless of course you arranged with the host in advance to bring something for the meal). They're under no obligation to serve what you bring.

That being said, if you prefer not to bring food.drink, why not go for something consumable that your hosts might not buy for themselves like extra fancy specialty paper napkins, an assortment of exotic black or herbal teas, specialty vinegars like fruit- or herb-flavored, specialty toppings for baked goods (assuming they bake) like candy crystals or dragees, or non-consumables that get worn out quickly like pretty aprons (if they wear them), oven mitts, kitchen towels, hand towels, especially if they're embroidered with "shabbat shalom" or something.

Posted: Wed, Jul 15 2009, 11:38 pm Post subject:

I have guest a lot and find that the usuals don't bring anything -only the first time unless it's sleepover guest. I even feel better when the usuals come empty handed because that means they are comforable at our house. I do appreciate when they help-that means more to me.
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