Paying for a wedding

amother

Moccasin

Fri, May 17 2024, 11:40 am

amother Dill wrote:

I think that a new system should be implemented for weddings.
We take out a loan for each child's wedding in their name, and the child is responsible for paying off the loan. Instead of the parents being in debt their entire life because of their children's weddings.

Please don't do that.
It's comparable to parents giving a down payment for their kids to buy a house, then saddling them with a huge mortgage thats a yolk around their necks.
Plan accordingly, and don't overspend.
Oh and forget what the Cohens are spending, do what feels right for you.

amother

Cerulean

Fri, May 17 2024, 11:54 am

amother Dill wrote:

What?? No way...
I would never, I would be nooooot happy ( and that's a nice way of saying it) if my parents dumped the loan on me.
It's part of raising a family, and parents should lovingly want to marry off their kids, not "blame the loan" on their kids.
As a kid, I knew that my parents started an account for us when we were babies!!
So that they would have money to marry us off.
My account had almost 50k for my wedding. They did stop contributing at a certain age, but the investments grew. I got married older, I wanted some upgrades and my parents lovingly paid for most of what I wanted.

It's call managing money the right way, start saving when you have babies. You'd be surprised how much you have when it's time.

amother

Dill

Fri, May 17 2024, 11:58 am

amother Cerulean wrote:

My kids all have a wedding fund bh.
But not all parents are able to do that, and unfortunately so many parents are sick with the pressure of marrying off their kids, especially kids that demand big weddings & the best of everything.
I think it just makes sense that instead of parents being in debt all their lives, each kid should pay off their own wedding. It doesn't take that long to pay off a 30K-50K debt.

amother

Dill

Fri, May 17 2024, 12:00 pm

amother Moccasin wrote:

No, a wedding loan is not comparable to a huge mortgage. A wedding loan shouldn't take that long to pay off.
Many can't afford even a basic wedding. Forget about those with demanding kids that aren't happy with what their parents are offering.

amother

Leaf

Fri, May 17 2024, 12:36 pm

This happened to me sort off, I was engaged and my parents were paying for the wedding, the boy called it off 10 days before and my parents couldn't get their money back...I was obviously emotionally devastated, took me a long time to recover, fast forward 16 years and I finally found my husband, my sister got married a year before my parents paid for everything....for my wedding, they gave nothing and my husband and I had to borrow and go into debt for a basic chassunah...I understood why my parents gave nothing since they already paid for a "wedding" for me (that didn't happen) and had just paid for my sisters wedding, but still it broke my heart and I felt a lot of pain from it, thinking that if it were my daughter I would want only her happiness and would do anything to help with a simcha for her...I think if you can keep a wedding fund for your children, please please do it

amother DarkCyan wrote:

I was an "older single".
My parents stopped supporting me financially when I was 19 but told me there was money for my wedding.
My siblings got married young and my parents fully paid for their weddings, as is common in our circles.
When I was about 32 my parents informed me that they were using my wedding fund for a purchase they wanted to make.
(Can you imagine how that made me feel. Like they had given up hope that I'll ever get married?)

When I got engaged at 39 they told me they won't be paying for my wedding.
It was very hurtful.
I had waited a long time to get married and of course wanted to celebrate with my friends and family.
DH and I fully paid for our wedding ourselves from our savings.

Please keep your children's wedding fund. It's OK to give them a budget and if they want to add to it they can. But don't make them pay for their own wedding.

amother

Seablue

Fri, May 17 2024, 2:15 pm

amother Moccasin wrote:

Ooh... I wouldn't mind if my parents payed a down-payment for me towards a house! Very Happy

As long as I choose the house and am comfortable with the mortgage. Can be the same like paying rent.

#BestBubby

Fri, May 17 2024, 2:28 pm

I agree with each couple paying for one wedding (their own) instead of paying for 8+ weddings.

There should be a special gmach for an interest free loan.

And wedding should be much cheaper:

No sit down dinner,
Just a smorgasbord with a waiter bringing serving bowls of the smorgasbord to tables for older guests.

One man band. Silk flowers.

Very simple kabolos panim, just potato kugel, rugelach and water.

Rich people who want fancier chasunas are not eligible for the gmach; the rich parents will pay.

There should be a secure safe with a slit for envelopes and guests should contribute towards payment of the wedding.

Last edited by #BestBubby on Fri, May 17 2024, 3:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mauve

Fri, May 17 2024, 3:12 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I agree with each couple paying for one wedding (their own) instead of paying for 8+ weddings.

There should be a special gmach for an interest free loan.

And wedding should be much cheaper:

Just a smorgasbord with a waiter bringing serving bowls of the smorgasbord to tables for older guests.

One man band. Silk flowers.

Rich people who want fancier chasunas are not eligible for the gmach; the rich parents will pay.

There should be a secure safe with a slit for envelopes and guests should contribute towards payment of the wedding.

Isn’t this sorta how it’s done in Israel? The guests pay for their meal at the wedding and leftover money goes to the couple.
Buy for your idea, what would the cutoff be? It’s a good idea but not very practical. There’s always someone making more than you and someone making less than you. And some people who make alot of money have many children BH so really they have less money than a person making less money with fewer children. Like if a couple has two children and makes $50,000 a year they have more free cash than a couple making $300,000 with seven children.

amother

Chambray

Fri, May 17 2024, 3:25 pm

amother Mauve wrote:

I’m questioning both the concept and the math.
If 2 children at 50K -assuming no cost for the parents, because they don’t need food, clothes, or a bedroom in the home, is 25K per kid. Are children exponentially more expensive? Why is my simple math or 7x25K =175K and 175<300 wrong?

Additionally, a 7 bedroom house doesn’t not cost 7 times a one bedroom house. It is more expensive, but property/kitchen/even food does not multiply like that.

The rest of your concept I don’t disagree

#BestBubby

Fri, May 17 2024, 3:31 pm

amother Mauve wrote:

Every child is eligible for the loan if they make a simple takanah wedding.

It would be great if children of wealthy parents did the same takana wedding so there is no pressure.

amother

Cantaloupe

Fri, May 17 2024, 4:38 pm

mfb wrote:

If this new system would be started then each person would only have to pay for one wedding in their lifetime. So even though the kids would have to pay back that loan they wouldn’t have to pay for their kids weddings so life will be much easier for them also!!

Exactly this. I don't think poster are looking at the big picture.

What we have now is that a young couple gets the white glove service where everything is paid for at the start. But then what do they look forward to - a future of overwhelming expenses to marry off their large family. They're looking at financial challenges for decades.

Now imagine if they deal with a challenge at the start - just paying for their one wedding. If managed sensibly, it could be done with in a few years. Then, they have a much brighter financial future.

amother

Cantaloupe

Fri, May 17 2024, 4:43 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

If I had to pay for my own wedding, you can bet I would NEVER have the wedding that my parents made for me! I would have gotten married with 10 men in the park in the summer sunshine! You can't plan a wedding with your choices and then dump it on your kid!

Well, if you pay for your own wedding, you would get to make the choices for it. If the parents want differently, then it's up to them to finance the difference.

This can actually solve so much for us. If a chosson kallah would be paying for their own wedding, they wouldn't need 3/4 of the stuff that we buy today. They would then wait to buy it later. They wouldn't need all the expensive gifts, excessive housewares, large weddings if they're the ones paying for it. They only want/expect it because mommy and tatty are paying for it. Just watch how quickly all that will change if they need to pay for it themselves.

I see this setup as a huge win. First every couple is only responsible for one wedding in their lifetime. Two, the outrageous cost will be drastically reduced.

tichellady

Fri, May 17 2024, 4:45 pm

In much of the secular world, the bride and groom do pay for their own wedding. They also decide who to invite and what the wedding will be like, and it’s not designed to please their parents. If we paid for our own wedding, we would have had many fewer guests. Maybe that’s better? I’m not sure- I hear both sides

amother

Cantaloupe

Fri, May 17 2024, 4:52 pm

tichellady wrote:

I hear both sides but the existing one is not sustainable. The other sounds so much more doable for the average couple.

BetsyTacy

Fri, May 17 2024, 5:06 pm

If people paid for their own weddings, the guest list would be much smaller. They wouldn't invite their parents' work colleagues, or their parent's friends either, unless they were more of the honorary aunt and uncle type. If they are not particularly family-minded, they might not invite all the aunts and uncles and cousins that the parents would invite if they were paying for it. They would invite the aunts and uncles and cousins they knew and liked. The whole dynamic of weddings would change, and probably for the better. People would be invited to fewer simchos, and there would be less keeping up with the Joneses. It is possible that all of that would just shift onto the sheva brachos, which would not be fiscally helpful in the long run.

amother

Hawthorn

Fri, May 17 2024, 5:22 pm

[quote="amother Dill"]My kids all have a wedding fund bh.
But not all parents are able to do that, and unfortunately so many parents are sick with the pressure of marrying off their kids, especially kids that demand big weddings & the best of everything.
I think it just makes sense that instead of parents being in debt all their lives, each kid should pay off their own wedding. It doesn't take that long to pay off a 30K-50K debt.[/quotme]

What kind of account do you open for each of them? Sounds overwhelming to do for All of your children..... but a good idea.

pause

Fri, May 17 2024, 5:30 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

Yup.
I agree.
Aderabeh.
Let's start having weddings with ten men in a park.
Let's give the power back to the chosson and kallah.
Let them have the wedding that THEY want to have.
If they have to pay for it, they will pay for what's important to THEM.

#BestBubby

Fri, May 17 2024, 5:51 pm

BetsyTacy wrote:

Correct. Parents are obligated to invite work colleagues and shul mates because a wedding is really the parents party.

Once it becomes the chosson n kallahs party that they are paying for that pressure won't exist.

And the work mates and shul mates don't want to go either, it's an obligation for them too.

Win-win.

If the work n shul mates feel close to parents they could come to kabolas panim or dancing to say Mazel tov, don't have to stay and have a meal.